i can't escape its grasp
the more i think, the worse it gets
i try to get away, try to lose it all
then why do i feel this way?
giving up would be so easy
but always they say
the best things in life are worth working for
why? cant something good come easy
and take away this feeling
frustration, anger, jealousy, confusion
all these happening together
what can i say? its horrible
i feel the burning in my chest
the frustration inside

i am getting more and more frustrated as days passing by. i am beginning to lose my temper like a nonstop firing machine gun. source of these? i had no idea. i wish i am superhuman sometimes. so that all worries and troubles could be solve with just a click! how i wish!

on the other hand, i have been super tremendously sleepy these few days! last night i slept while watching tv halfway! and i woke up late this morning! if not because of my stomachache, i would have continue sleeping on. anyways, i am glad it is Friday today!

i suggested for a small trip for tomorrow :) a trip to Malacca. take it as a treat for my stress as well as for my mom. i know she has been dying to do these! so, why not? haha. since i have already enjoyed myself in Ipoh with a bunch of friends, so now it is her turn!

कभी ख़ुशी कभी ग़म (Sometimes Happiness, Sometimes Sadness)
i have been keeping a lot in myself,
i wonder if i release it all one day,
what would happen?

Labels: emotionally unstable, ranty rant rants, tired, work

objections objections objections. that is the only thing i have been hearing and feeling for the past few days, correction, weeks. for once, if there is an objection to anything, would you please kindly come up with a solution for me too? right now i need no objections. i need solutions, i need a way, i need a bloody damn road. i am starting to get tired of these. i have been fighting for it and yet, no one is helping me at all. whenever i found a solution and scanned through the consequences, i realize that i have to endure all those might happens and possible future incident. to succeed in something is to endure the hardship.

i know that those objections are meant for my own good but since it has come to the state of objection, where is the solution? or what are your suggestions to fend off to my bad choice of ideas? at first i was thinking, why is everyone going against me? why can't for once they just let me be me. then it came across that the problem lies in me. i have been too picky and maybe it is right that i does not want to open to choices.

you see, i have been thinking a lot too. tons and tons of what ifs. i had no idea how tired i was. i never knew thinking was that tough and it is taking its toll on me. i am so lethargic during the day time. i spend most of my time thinking and nothing but thinking. honestly, is there anyone out there willing to think for me too?

and when things started falling apart, that is when i lost hold of faith.

Labels: emotionally unstable, ranty rant rants, tired, work

fairy tales. do they exist or it is just another bedtime story or a make believe kind of thing? fairies. does fairies really exist? or is it just that we human are so imperfect that we dream of something that make us feel so perfect? fairy godmothers. will they come if i call? do i even have one to start off with? we human make things to believe hoping that it would come true one day. are we so naive that we are so wiling to live in a world that does not exist?

if i could, i would like to live in a world that i believe in. a world where things are easy going, no stress, no backstabbing, rainbows everywhere, smiles and laughter heard all day long, a world that is so surreal that it doesn't even exist unless i try sleeping now and yeah la.

i think we are going pretty strong. though there were a lot of obstacles and challenges but we are still going strong. i am very thankful for that. on and off we would hurt each others feelings. in and out we would feel anger and sad. still, at the end of the day, we would look for each other up and down. this is what makes us so strong.

in a separate note, i have been feeling damn thankful for the past few days. people that i love and appreciate that they exist. that they are here with me. really really thankful.

hello darkness, my old friend, i've come to talk with you again because a vision softly creeping, left its seeds while i was sleeping and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence.

Labels: emotionally unstable, random, ranty rant rants, sleepy, tired, work

yeah i know i have been a bum for not updating. when things were going at an exhilarating speed, i wished that it would be slower so i could enjoy every moment out of it. but when things decided to go at billions of notch below slow speed, i wished that it would pass by like the speed of light.

went back to Ipoh on Thursday night with a bunch of wacko friends. honestly, these people are people i am very grateful for! life is a million times better when you have friends that doesn't beat around the bush with you and tells you straight up if they find you are annoying/ irritating/ anything possible. these bunch of people are the ones that makes you feel that life is not just another roller coaster ride. they put speed bums when things are going to fast and they put nitrous oxide when things are going too slow. these people are not just any ordinary bunch of wackos you see at the side of the street. they are abnormal bunch of wackos, so much incomparable to Superman, Batman, Ultraman and Spenderman! SAPADEM!

talking about my trip back to Ipoh, i came back with a handful "souvenirs". i got nice big scratches near the ankle of my right leg, a torn sweat pants (not really torn, a hole near the knee cap more likely), a very tired body due the the lack of sleep and also fears. fears that i don't feel like mentioning. that i would rather keep it inside me.

right now, everything seemed to be moving into plan B. i fear that plan B might not even be working. i don't have a plan C. i don't even know what my plan C should be. so for now, just pray that plan B really works out or i will have to...no. i will MAKE plan B happen! no rooms for failure this time.

looking forward to 28th August. 44 more days. forty-four.

note to self - it is ok to cry once in a while. just cry for the right reason.

Labels: emotionally unstable, life, mess not, random, ranty rant rants, tired, work

i can't wait for tonight! HAHA. it is going to be fun fun fun! a trip to my hometown but with a bunch of wacky friends! nothing much happened lately. well, ahh. keep that for another time. this is just another short update anyway :) to keep my blog alive though.

Labels: estacyly happy, random, ranty rant rants, work

so it has been 1 month since i changed department. seriously, this department is a love hate kind of thing. well anyway, been hearing news that my lecturer has been going around visiting everyone. soon it is going to be my turn. i have nothing much to say though. it is kinda fun working here but the stress level is super high!

yesterday was Jeric's last day. he is an IT intern, from SunUni also! kinda sad cause now it is like one friend missing. RAWR. but then it is also a relief that it was his last day yesterday. he has been living in hell since his internship here. well, all that i can say is that he has become more and more professional in playing hide and seek!

for the past few days, there has been many decision makings that has to be done. decisions that delaying is not a reason. some personal related and some future related. future related decision making are almost nearly done but the personal related ones are a tad bit difficult. in any case, let time take its pace.

oh did i mention that i am the first in office today? HOORAY?!

Labels: emotionally unstable, estacyly happy, random, ranty rant rants, sleepy, tired, work

so Akon concert is post-poned till October 24. reason being is that he got family matter. once we (we as in the people in the department) read this, we instantly know that it is not true! and the truth is - like we would know! anyhow, Eason Chan's press conference will still be going on as usual on that day.

AHH. i can't wait to go Singapore and Melbourne ;)

Labels: random, ranty rant rants, sleepy, tired, work

RAWR! i am so frustrated! i am on the phone with a client. client was asking about the area and so on cause they wanted to do a showcase. then, she has to tap on my shoulder to do something that she herself can do! of course i asked her to wait! then she don't like. wthhhhhhhh. then she tapped me again (still on the phone) after that and gave me a stare. SO I STARED BACK! OI FATTY. WALK LITLE BIT CANNOT DIE ONE OK?!

Labels: emotionally unstable, work

today smells bad. opened the door and ugh! TERRIBLE! nevertheless, i rained yesterday, somewhere sometime during the night cause the floor outside was wet? haha.

the pc in my work place is slowwww and it is Pentium 4 >.< gak gak gak! old monitor and yada yada mada. no DVD Rom some more! o'well.

so i have decided on where i would be heading. talked to a few people about it, about how i felt. i really feel bad cause it felt like i am somehow somewhat being the black sheep. i know where i stand and i really want to make an effort out of it. people were pretty helpful. some even reminded me that it is not going to be easy but they would be there for me. for some odd reason, i somehow felt that this is the right choice in a wrong way.



everyday, every morning, i would make myself a litre of smoking hot green tea. then i would drink till it is lunch time. why you ask? TO SUPPRESS HUNGER! i have been auto alarmed to wake up at 7am every morning. then i would sit in front of my laptop, a) blog in effguide or b) watch my series :P

heh. life is good? i don't know >.<

Labels: emotionally unstable, random, ranty rant rants, sleepy, tired, work

he was leaving and that she won't be able to see him for a year. she thought she could take it. she thought she could hang on. her days starting to shatter. she was woken up by her own fear, by her own nightmare. sitting at the edge of the bed in frightful tears. decisions that has to be made. as torn as she is inside her, she decided on what is best for her and she won't change it.

uh yeah. i have nothing much to blog about today. just another day at work. oh and i baked butter cake yesterday. it was very moist and nice. not too sweet. only thing is that the boyf said it tasted much like scones. well, a very BIG scone though. the boyf wanted to buy jam for it >.<

i have a lot of things which needs to be decided at this point. i think due to much stress, i have been pretty restless at night. but still, ah. i don't know.

Labels: confused, sleepy, tired, work