if i could have one wish, just that only one wish, that would grant anything and whatever i wanted, i would wished to have the ability to be invisible when i wanted to. i don't wanna wish for never ending flow of money cause most things in this world can't be bought using money and plus, most of the things in life we learn is when we are down at our knees. financial is one. i don't wanna wish for death exemption cause i will be lonely without my loved ones. i don't wanna wish to be young and pretty forever cause i wanna know how it feels like being old. i just wanna be invisible when i wanted to. not that i wanted to be someone who is extraordinary nor someone who outshines others and gets most front cover page than some celebrity does nor whatever you are thinking. i admit i am selfish. most of the time, yes and i am not shameful to admit so. i have my own solid reason for wishing to be so and the question is, who are you to ask? cause i know and somehow you too know why i wanted such an absurd wish. i find it rather funny, of the times when you said you were very supportive but do you really understand? maybe it is the way i explain or maybe you don't really listen. maybe it is because you are not me or maybe you really don't get it? countless time i tried to tell you how i felt but seriously, do you know how it feels like? this sentence always pop up in my head, playing its very own tricks towards me. one will never know how bitter the medicine is till one tries it. i hate the way it keep on appearing in my head as much as i hate it when you kept on making it popping in my head. i know you will cry after reading this. i know you will say that you will leave me alone. i know you will say it is for my own good. but, have you ever listen properly? have you ever tried doing it? do you really feel how i am feeling? it is never too late. baby always use this on me. but, is this too late? i have been telling you since donkey years ago. i wonder, do you really know? i realize i repeat myself quite a number of time and i will still do. do you know? i am close to you, i like the way it is but at the same time, why i hate the way it feels? counting the nights where i would stay awake pondering on this question, counting to the day where you will finally say yes i truly understand sincerely, i wonder if those were just another fantasy? or what? this thing in my mind right now, this feeling that i cannot explain. i am such a coward. every time when the conversation gets worst, i hung up the phone just like that. i don't wanna keep on listening. i don't wanna argue anymore cause it is pointless. cause i realized, you won't understand. and no, it is not just today i finally understands it but years ago. i shared everything with you. i kept you close to me. i cry every time it happens. i hate the way you make me feel now. you make me feel so guilty. i wish you were here to see. i want you here badly. and i really do albeit i hate the way you make me feel right now. maybe because since i came to KL and so we talked really less. maybe it was because i found someone new to pour my secrets to. but i realize, no matter what happen, i still run back to you telling you everything. sometimes i wonder, why. why i still run back to you and tell you everything cause i have someone to tell to. it was then i started to realize that old habits will never change. or was it because i still want to be close to you? i love you more than anything. no matter who i got with me right now, no matter what is happening to the world right now, i always wanted to run to you and hug you like how i used to. i wanna kiss you cheeks and see you make the your-saliva-is-dirty look. i wanna walk around malls with you while gossiping on what we see. i want you to wake me up like how you used to. i still remember our nose rubs last time. i would pester you over and over again. i wanted those memories back. i want you to understand. i want you to feel everything i feel. most important is that, i really want you to understand and i don't want anymore arguments.

Labels: you