i stood there as i saw 3 ladies walking in with a heavy loaded trolley. different from age, i see 3 generations there. oldest, older and old. i did what i have to do; the usual. i greeted the oldest, pohpoh, only cause but then, she resembles my late great grandmother. old but hyper. when i placed the menu down, she asked for a glass of water cause she said she could feel her throat drying up quickly. she wanted something cold. she asked me if the longan drink has real longans in it. i smiled and said sorry, i'm not sure. then i offered a cup of hot green tea and she asked me is it free. i smiled and said yes and quickly get 3 cups of hot green tea. "is there anything which is spicy enough for me?" she asked in Cantonese. i recommended this very particular set; Spicy Chicken Set cause i think it would be good enough for her as it comes with carrot slices, chopped button mushrooms and bean sprouts. there was also a bowl of hot spicy soup with 2 pieces of Spicy Chicken Sushi. she liked it but she asked me again in Cantonese "pohpoh like very spicy food. is it spicy enough?" i nodded and suggested to add some chili padi in it. she pulled me up every time i passed by her. she sparked up a conversation which left me standing there for an hour. "you look very much like a great granddaughter of mine, Joyce, her name. you're friendly and i feel very close to you. i like you very much. you like to smile. you're very pretty." those were what she told me as i just stood there and listened to each and everything with a smile. she told me she like durians and she bought a lot, big and cheap ones in the supermarket just now. she offered me a packet but i refused to take it. she asked me not to be shy and she pushed it in my hands. petite, fragile yet hyper and alert old lady. she just reminds me of my great grandmother. then i realize that everything that has a beginning must have an end to it. what if i don't want it to end? i wanted it to last till my memory fails me, till my soul lost its way home, till my body ashes was being blown around the world, or maybe till the dooms day. "whenever my granddaughter (the old one) is not at home, pohpoh can't eat anything at all. i really love my granddaughter. then maybe that time i will come here and eat and you will talk to me." she made me feel like i'm a part of her family; like i'm a part of her. sadly, yes, i do feel like i'm a part of her family. it makes me home sick. made me remember times where my parents, my siblings, my grandmother and my late grandmother sit around in the small living room for a session of steamboat. home made steamboat using rice cooker. that was the time, back then, where everything though is small but comfortable. where we are all like one. as we age, people go away, the house became empty and cold. the warmness just left the house. who remembers the past?

the pohpoh, older and old left. before pohpoh left, "Karen. that's my name. Karen. remember me." she really makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. she left but she looked back waved at me goodbye and smiled at me. i know, i would remember her. minutes later, a guy and a lady walked in. they were like my parents' age. then the guy would start talking to the lady. he talked about his work, just like my dad would do to my mom. telling her how good and great he was on work that day and how people fear him and so. he sat there and talked to the lady. i couldn't keep my eyes away from them. he is so much like my dad. loud. i know that when things are gone, we tend to miss it and fill ourselves with regret.

yes, i do feel regret and i miss a lot of things now.

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Labels: home, sick, tired